Capers
by lovelace.shrew
Summary: The Turks don't always color inside the lines, as one Shin-Ra soldier soon learns.
1. Bureaucrats and Bagels

Chapter 1 - Bureaucrats and Bagels

This story is inspired by and very closely based on a dream I had recently that I felt would make an amusing fanfic. I made a few modifications to the actual dream's story (for instance, the dream was more of a FF7 FMA crossover, but I hate crossovers...), so if it seems a bit crazy that is probably why. : P

Music recommendation: Julie Brown - 'Cause I'm a Blonde, Skee Lo - I Wish

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"Our team in Sector 4 hasn't reported anything back yet, Ma'am. All reports so far have indicated no traces of the Himi faction."

"I see." I pause in contemplation, tapping my chin with my index finger. "Call them back."

"But Ma'am!" I smile shrewdly at Dal, the young brunette operative only recently promoted to command headquarters. He stopped, realizing the insubordination he had just shown, "It's just that we've been in Sector 4 for weeks already. If we pull out now, Himi and his men will get away."

"This isn't the first Sector we've infiltrated, Dal. Obviously there's something in our method of approach that is tipping Himi's men off, allowing them to stay one step ahead of us. If not, we would have caught them by now. Our best option is to regroup, and try another plan of attack, rather than wasting the manpower on a wild goose chase." I said quite simply, waving away this outburst.

"You should listen to the Lieutenant," a voice from behind was a bit of a startle. I turned to see Lasarus just entering communications, smiling handsomely as usual, in a way that made him look like he was up to something.

"Do you mean to say that maybe there's," I looked back to Dal, who had a disturbed expression, nearly breaking into a sweat, "a double agent?"

"Don't be such an alarmist," Lasarus now also waving away Dal's outburst. "Charging into a Sector asking questions isn't always the most tactful approach. There's a good possibility they were just aware of our presence there long before we could catch their trail. Not everyone in the upper plate is fond of our organization." He said very coolly, looking very suave in his dark gray uniform as he leaned against the wall lighting a cigarette.

"And what news do you bring me?" I turned to him crossing my arms over my chest, never at a shortage of disappointment for the casual way he tended to cavort into the presence of his superior officer. In response, he only gestured to the hallway meaning for me to follow him out.

It was always difficult for me to act as a superior officer to Lasarus, because aside form being much taller than me, he was just a bit too laid-back to ever feel like he was taking anything seriously. Not that I am a strict commanding officer, but had he have been under anyone else's command, he wouldn't have been under anyone's command for very long. That being said, he was one of the finest operatives an anti-terrorist organization could want to have.

"There's definitely a leak somewhere in the ranks," his voice lowering to a deep mutter, somewhat mimicking the notion he had just coolly waved away when Dal had suggested it "but that phony infiltration of Sector 4 served its purpose. I've been able to gather more information in the last couple of weeks on the Himi faction than turning the whole upper plate upside down would have gotten us." He continued to puff on his cigarette, his short blonde hair combed neatly away from his face.

"So what do we know?" I looked up at him, still taken aback by how handsome he is, but always conscious of the fact I must keep it professional. As much as possible, anyway.

"Well," he squinted in a puff of smoke, looking like someone who was very wise and about to impart some invaluable knowledge on to me. Mostly because he was, "there's not just going to be a single attack. There's gonna be several. Apparently, this Himi guy is an admirer of that AVALANCHE group that attacked all of the major Mako reactors recently."

"So he's planning to attack the Mako reactors?" I puzzled.

"I'm afraid our pal Himi doesn't have so 'noble' a cause. This guy's ruthless, all about his personal agenda, ya know? As far as I can tell, his targets are gonna be large, highly populated places. This could be a single shopping center, or it could be an entire city. Now, whether this is a vendetta he has, or whether he's looking to exploit money out of the Shin-ra corporation, I don't know. But personally, I don't see how far a guy like that would get if he planned to make off with Shin-ra money. He's not that stupid, he knows Shin-ra is world-wide, and there'd be nowhere for him to hide. So as a personal opinion, I'd say that his objective isn't money."

"Hm," I said trying to keep in stride with his much longer strides, making me break just short of a run, and making my lieutenant's cape flutter and flare behind me, which in turn made me look a little more dramatic than I wanted to. "If it's not money, do you have any reason to believe it's a vendetta? Will there be any way to bargain with him if we can't shut down his organization before the final pieces of the attack are put into place?"

"I wouldn't worry about that, Lieutenant," He said looking over and down at me with a scheming grin on his face. I was dumbfounded.

"Wh-w....W-ah?" I sputtered blinking, still keeping a light jog next to his casual walk. "It's my job to worry. We were put here for the specific reason of worrying about things like this in lieu of the President's special investigative forces. They can't be here right now, so it's our duty to keep what's left of Midgar from blowing up." There was a short silence when I reevaluated the look on Lasarus' face, "why shouldn't I worry?" I looked at him suspiciously.

"Because," his tone never changed, even through the mild heart attack I had. Though not an uptight commander, I don't like the idea of being blown to bits. "I have a meeting with one of Himi's top guys." I was beginning to think me being dumb-founded was just the way of this conversation.

"But, how did you," I raised my hands in front of me, looking as if to say 'a clue? someone, please?'

"I have my ways," returning his gaze ahead, looking very sure of himself. Gah, what an attractive profile! There was another short silence, giving me time to observe this, expecting to hear more details on how he had finagled an arrangement with one of an elusive terrorist organization's top guys, and then play it off like it was a brunch date.

"Just like that," I was gesturing with my face like that would somehow get him to continue his story.

"Yup, just like that," he shrugged, dropping the remains of his cigarette to the floor for a squishing.

"I've gotta say, Las, you're pretty good," laughing to myself while simultaneously trying to catch my breath as he finally drew to a halt in front of the elevator doors.

"Well, it's what you pay me for," he smiled that same mischievous smile, turning to face me and pulling out yet another cigarette.

"You know, those things will kill you," a nonchalant gesture at his cigarette, the elevator ringing open.

"Only you can kill me, Lieutenant," I cocked an eyebrow at him, bemused and a little horrified as he bowed dramatically into the elevator with a sweeping grace, "because my heart stops every time you are near." Hands folded onto his chest in something that mimicked an actor's performance when the elevator doors finally closed on him, ending his performance. I shook my head, scoffing, and turning back towards the hallway we had just passed down.

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"Weeell, Lieutenant Oren," a prompt salute to my commanding officer when I entered command central, "it seems like this Himi investigation of yours has attracted some special attention from the higher ups." The commander a very broad and hard-eyed, gray-haired man, the medals on the chest of his officer's jacket looking like an array of colors spewed up on him while he was wearing it.

"Sir?" Naturally, interference from some of the President's bureaucrats is the _first_ thing I need. Second of course being a bagel. Catching Himi is third, but at least still in the top five. The other two are on a need-to-know basis... Don't judge me.

"Yes, I just received word this morning that the President himself is sending a few of his top people to help with the investigation. Apparently he wants this thing squashed as quickly as possible. And it's understandable, what with the recent AVALANCE attacks, the murder of the former president. This is a dangerous time for Midgar right now, we cannot afford to allow the turmoil to get out of control or to appear weak to our citizens."

"Yes sir," I looked around for a second, rolling my eyes from side to side, "when can we expect their arrival, sir?" Please say weeks. I need time to solve this before they get here..

"Within the next few days, I believe," dang it, Lasarus better hurry up with that meeting.

"Yes sir," another prompt salute. I hate how physically demanding talking to a superior officer is.

Never a dull moment, I discovered, when I stepped out into the hallway to see Dal rushing down the corridor waving a piece of paper frantically in the air, nearly hitting his red-headed companion in the face while she rushed behind him. "Lieutenant Oren!" I made a mockery of his panic by running a few steps with arms flailing wildly at my sides. I hate how physically demanding making fun of people is.

"What is it Dal?" He only responded by waving this rambunctious piece of paper in my face whilst trying to catch his breath. I scanned over it to see it was a report from the sector 3 hospital. One of our officers had been hospitalized in an apparent attack on the Sector 4 team. "What's this all about?"

"It just arrived, apparently there was an attack on Lieutenant Ed's company in sector 4." Oi.. "All evidence so far indicates this is a retaliation by the Himi faction."

"You! Prepare me a transport to sector 3! I need reinforcements there on the double!" I was abruptly pointing at the red-head. "And you!" I pointed in much the same erratic way at Dal, who was still doubled over in with what was most likely chest cramps, "report this to the Colonel!"

"But Lieutenant, it's too dangerous to travel to sector 3 right now," the red-head now speaking for Dal, who was engaged in some sort of battle against his ribs.

"I'm not above any danger. This is my investigation, so this situation is my fault. I made them a target, so I'll handle this myself." I again pointed to the red-head in a most furious manner, "and see to it that there's a bagel waiting for me in the transport... So help you if there's no bagel in the transport!" And with that I flew off in the direction of the elevator, cape aflutter, having moved catching Himi above bureaucrats and bagels on the list of things I need most.

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"No! No I don't.... I don't... I said.... No!... So help you if you put me on hold!" If an infuriated face could break phones, mine would have. Unfortunately they don't, so the task of breaking my phone in a fit of anger was left to my incredible throwing skills. They accomplished the task, albeit sloppily, and accidentally hitting my driver in the back of the head with a bit of shrapnel.

"Is everything alright, Ma'am?" The SOLDIER said, rubbing the back of his head.

"No, it's not. _No one _seems to know _anything_. Either that, or I'm pretty sure the hospital only allows the deaf to answer the phones!" I grumbled cramming half a stale bagel in my mouth. "And my bagel is stale," I guess I should have been more specific when I told the red-head to get me a bagel. I didn't mean one from last month. I'd call someone and complain, but that wouldn't make the bagel here in my mouth any fresher. Plus my phone has been decommissioned.

"We're here, Ma'am." The car suddenly came to a halt, finding my head banged against the seat I was sitting behind.

"Thank you soldier," I said rubbing the red spot on my forehead, "And sorry about the phone. We need to avoid casualties as much as possible on this case." Of course I was talking about the phone, I just said it in a way that would have made that jerk think I was apologizing to him.

I stumbled out of the transport to see the rest of the SOLDIERS from the convoy filing out, "This hospital is on lockdown!" I pointed very firmly at the unmistakably tall building so they were sure that it was _this_ hospital, "I don't want _anybody_ getting in!" I charged off towards the entrance... I paused to turn back to the SOLDIERS, "except sick people!" barked back at them. "And Shin-ra officers...!" I turned towards to hospital doors, but almost immediately turned back around, "and doctors!..." I paused, "basically just don't let any terrorists in!" And with that I once more charged back to the hospital doors with a puzzle to solve, and a score to settle with whoever answered the phones when I called earlier.

"Lieutenant Oren!" I was greeted at the doors by the Sector 4 Team's second in command.

"What's the situation," I questioned, being gestured towards the elevators, a pair of SOLDIER guards following behind.

"We were pulling out of sector 4 as we were ordered, when Lieutenant Ed's transport was attacked," the elevator doors rung open, "it's almost like they knew where he'd be. They fired from the surrounding buildings, but so far no one seems to have 'seen' a thing. Right now he's in surgery, I guess his condition doesn't look very promising."

"I see," I tapped on my face for a second, "you're in charge of security here at the hospital. Make sure there are no further attacks here while Ed is recovering, I've brought reinforcements for extra measure." The elevator rang at Ed's floor.

"Ma'am," a salute before the elevator doors closed on him, leaving his two SOLDIER guards on this floor. I'll bet he hates how physically demanding it is to talk to a superior officer, too. It kind of discourages one from wanting to talk to their bosses, really.

"Nurse," I called to a nurse, "what can you tell me about the Lieutenant's condition?"

"I'm sorry, but he's still in surgery. It's a bit too soon to tell anything," her voice sounding suspiciously like someone I had had an unpleasant conversation on the phone with. But if all I can do is wait now, surely nothing will be lost if I accost those overtly suspicious vending machines.

Ah, a 'vending-machine-fresh' bagel. That level of freshness somewhere between 'something a respectable bakery wouldn't sell' and 'I found it under the seat'. But before the tears from the pain in my teeth in having to gnaw at my bagel like an animal could soggy up the infernal bread, the elevator rang up behind me. Which was odd since people weren't supposed to be allowed up here. Except sick people. And maybe doctors. But when I turned to look, the two men stepping off the elevator looked to be neither sick, nor doctors. They wore dark blue suits, the bald one with a menacing pair of sunglasses, and the redhead with a menacing... face. Intruders!

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I have no idea how this story will go over with you readers, so be sure to leave comments ^^


	2. Vending Machine Follies

Chapter 2 - Vending Machine Follies

Hope you guys are enjoying this one so far. Music recommendation: Ayria - My Revenge on the World, DJ Vadim - The Terrorist

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I tensed up, immediately going into alert mode. I clenched my fists, preparing to fight the two intruders, and remembering I held a semi-hard bagel in my hand. First things first, I hurled the weapon-bagel at the red-head, throwing him off guard with my awesome throwing skills, and allowing me time to rush the bald one. I swung a fist a baldy, but he caught my wrist and used it to twist my arm behind my back. A quick backwards jerk of my head saw baldy's grip release to hold his newly battered face. I didn't have time to turn to baldy as I saw the red-head waving his hands in front of him, "just wait a minute!"

"Oh sure, I'll just wait because you said so, terrorist," I ran at him, throwing my entire body weight at him, tackling him to the ground. A bit unorthodox, but effective. I straddled the red-head, reaching a fist back just far enough to gain face-killing velocity. My arm hit a sudden stop before my punch actually hit the red-head's face; baldy had grabbed my arm from behind, and I didn't have time to react before he started pulling me off the red-head, "let go! You'll never win!" I flailed as much as I could against him, kicking the red-head a couple of times in the process, but he was too strong.

"You've got it all wrong," the red-head cradled his stomach, which I had landed a boot in as I was being dragged away.

"You terrorists have some nerve showing up here. Think you can cross Shin-ra and get away with it, huh? I don't think so," I squirmed extra violently to add emphasis, "ow, let go! That's my boob you're crushing," I yelled at baldy. Just then the elevator door rang. There was a brief pause as Sector 4 Team's second in command evaluated the situation from just inside the elevator. The red-head just managing to help himself up, still holding his stomach, and the bald one holding a very unforgiving grip across my chest with the arm he wasn't using to stay my punch laying-in-wait.

"Lieutenant Oren!" The elevator doors had started to close on him in his moment of open-mouthed staring before he finally stepped off the elevator. "What's going on?"

"Fighting terrorists, that's my job," I felt baldy's grip loosen on me, and at the first opportunity I jumped up, sweeping my mussed hair out of my face. "But now that reinforcements are here," I gestured to him.

"Reinforcements?" He looked confused, "Lieutenant, these are members of the Turks," my face sank for a brief moment when he said this. "This is Reno," he motioned to the red-head who seemed to have recovered from the attack, "and Rude," finally he pointed to baldy.

"Uuh, I knew that," my face started to turn red as I was trying to come up with one of those excuses that no one believes, but that you somehow feel saves face. "I was just testing them," my words dragged into one another, "to see that they're on their guard. You can never be too careful with all that's going on right now. Gentlemen, well done." I reached to shake Reno's hand, which he reciprocated, albeit hesitantly. "Nice to meet you," I then reached for Rude's hand, "we're already a little too closely acquainted," I smiled referring to the searing pain in my left boob.

"Reno and Rude have been sent here by the President himself to help us wrap up this Himi investigation." The second in command said with a nervous smile, trying to make amends for the horrible introductions.

"Oooh, so you're the useless bureaucrats," I stopped after I said that, remembering that that had only been a joke known to me and my brain. Which would explain the awkward looks I got from all three of them.

"With all due respect," Rude spoke up with a husky voice from behind his ultra-cool shades, "I think you'll find the investigation will go along smoothly with the Turks assisting." I looked at Rude, who seemed suspiciously a lot like he was calling my investigation skills a sham. Something I would have rebutted with my throwing skills had this been the proper place. And had I not used my last throwing bagel on Reno.

"We know how to get the job done," Reno said arrogantly, crossing his arms over his chest. I narrowed my eyes at him, wondering if my bagel had taught him nothing.

"Well if the president saw fit to send you, I'm sure there's something you can do," I said emphatically, referring to the fact that I had just single handedly whooped them both... Sort of... At least, that's the way I'll remember it from here on out. "To tell you the truth, though, we hardly need any extra help. The investigation is going along quite well, and we're this close," I made a hand gesture to indicate how close, "to wrapping this case up."

"Really?" Reno asked with a deadening gaze.

"Really," I said triumphantly.

"Is _that _why our investigation has led us all the way to the hospital?" He said with that same disbelief in his face.

"Woah, woah, woah," I said waving my hands in front of me, and arching a defiant eyebrow at him, "since when did this become '_our_' investigation?"

"Since when are you ignoring the part about being at the hospital?" He said flatly. I dug back into my repertoire of funny faces to give him a wicked glare.

"That's not important just now" Rude interjected, calling a stop to what was soon to be a reintroduction of my boot to Reno's stomach, "do you have any other leads?"

"The Sector 4 Team was supposed to be a decoy," my evil look to Reno died off reluctantly, "an opportunity for another of our agents to gain contacts within the Himi faction, unencumbered by other operatives, and suspicions on their part. Since the only information we've recovered has consisted of little more than rumors and dead-end tips, our only choice right now is to wait on that operative. I spoke to him earlier this morning, and apparently he had some sort of meeting with a top member of the organization."

"That's your grand plan?" Reno now with a little more pluck to his jeer. My narrowed eyes slid over in his direction once more.

"It's not so much a plan, as it is a course of action born of necessity. We don't really have a lot of options at this point," I said remaining suspicious of him, and the fact he sort of sounded like he was trying to be helpful.

"Do you even know what this Himi guy looks like?" Now well on his way to a light chuckle fit at my expense.

"I'm afraid he's been too clever for that. He keeps his identity very well-guarded even within his own organization, so showing his face is not something that has just happened," I said through clenched teeth and a phony smile.

"What kind of investigator are you," he laughed openly now, bent over and grabbing his knees for stability.

"Probably the same kind of dead man you'll be," I said displaying yet another malicious look, wondering just when one of these looks would take affect on him. "An _AWESOME _one." I added finally, just to drive the point home.

"Now now," the second in command implored, trying to pacify the situation, "we're all on the same team here."

"I dunno, sometimes I wonder," I crossed my arms over my chest, turning away.

"Sometimes? But didn't we just meet," I heard Reno saying from behind me.

"Yeah, and this is one of those times," I said over my shoulder. I heard Rude snicker from somewhere else behind me. "So what exactly is your plan then, Mister the-president's-all-knowing-problem-solver-McDougal?" Finally turning around, allotting them all the privilege of seeing my face again.

"We wait," he shrugged passively. I stammered, pointing at him accusingly, but decided to calm myself before I said anything rash. Plus by this time, what with randomly attacking the Turks and all, I was about half past unprofessional.

"Well," I said with mock relief, "I'm glad you managed to come up with that plan just in time for me to get a new bagel.," I turned away once again to waltz back over to the vending machine. I heard the three of them talking amongst themselves, apparently in voices they thought I wouldn't overhear. One of the first things Reno asked was how I was in charge of such an important investigation, or any investigation at all for that matter. I just sighed, placing my hand on the glass of the vending machine, perusing the other stale snacks as a possible purchase since the one I had gotten from this machine was already in its rightful place. On the floor.

I wandered off to go antagonize a nurse as if that would somehow get Ed out of surgery sooner, but really it would be a miracle if he lived. I was invited to go see the surgery in progress from outside of the operating room, but declined. Somehow I felt that seeing all of Ed's innards and possible nudity would do something strange to our relationship, and he didn't deserve that. His condition was all my fault, and really my drifting through the hallways of the hospitals, and catching accidental and unwanted peeks at senior citizens getting sponge baths was only to distract me from the fact that I could do nothing to avenge Ed but wait around for some word from Lasarus.

But when I finally got back to the waiting room, I spotted Rude sitting patiently, and Reno off tinkering with the vending machine. "You know, I think we all got off on the wrong foot," I said standing next to Rude's chair, "how's your face?"

"Oh, it's fine," he stood up to accommodate me, "how's your, uh," he scratched the back of his head nervously. I was always told I had a way with people, so I decided to put my social skills in action to try and make him feel a little more at ease.

"Oh, you mean my boobs? They're fine, I think they're finally starting to perk back up. I just hope you don't handle women like that in the bedroom. Although you know some women like that," I smiled putting what I felt was an appropriate end to my ramble. Rude only cleared his throat, looking over to Reno at the vending machine. Hm, perhaps that didn't work as well as I thought it would.

"You know Reno," sudden switch of topic away from my boobs. Yup, my efforts to make him less uncomfortable definitely didn't work, "doesn't mean anything by it. Sometimes he can be little uncouth is all."

"Nah, it's no big deal. There are more important things going on right now, and as the head of this investigation, I can't be shaken by simple criticism. Besides," I looked over at Reno, who was smacking the machine most likely because it ate his Gil, and then addressed Rude with a quieter tone, "I'm not gonna tell him the pastries in that machine are disgusting." Rude chuckled to himself, adjusting his ultra-cool shades. Not wanting to do what I felt needed to be done next, I turned and headed in Reno's direction. He was just getting a cinnamon roll which made an entirely too loud thud when it hit the metal receptacle of the machine for the roll to actually be edible. "Look, we got off to a bit of a bad start," he turned to me trying to gnaw into the cinnamon roll, and cocking an eyebrow my way, "I guess I was just a bit tightly wound from the attack and all. Ed was my friend, you know?"

"Hm," he seemed contemplative, removing his teeth from his snack, "this is disgusting," and nonchalantly, he threw it over his shoulder at a trash can behind him. I grit my teeth, this wasn't quite the remission I was hoping for. But I just decided to pretend it went as planned, and so I followed him over to where Rude sat.

"So what is it about this case that made the President send you here? I mean, there's plenty of other chaos going on in Midgar since the upper plate collapse, and the assassination of the late president. Why this case," I asked leaning up again the counter of the nurse's station which sat adjacent to the edge of the waiting room. Rude shifted uneasily in his chair as if there was something sharp in it he wanted to get off of without drawing too much attention. Which was thought was odd, since I'm pretty sure the hospital doesn't allow sharp objects to be lodged into the chairs. Although that would be an ingenious plot to generate more business.

"I guess he felt this particular case was a little more crucial," Reno stood up form the chair that hadn't even been tainted with creeping butt warmth from the short amount of time he sat in it, "it's not like he wants another plate collapse situation," he said all too casually.

"Huh," I shrugged, "I guess that'd make sense, what with sending such elite guys and all." I said with a certain perk to my tone, reflecting back on the time I beat him up, but at the same time meaning no offense to Rude. Rude grinned, crossing his arms across his chest, while Reno meandered over to the nurse's station with his hands in his pockets. I watched him as he leaned against the counter, not three feet away, and rested his elbows. He was scanning the inside of the nurse's station in perhaps the most attentive way I had seen him do anything since he assaulted the vending machine... Or since he made fun of me... Okay, I guess he is pretty attentive, on the whole. But just then, he started scratching the side of his face with a contemplative hum. "What?" He was silent for a moment.

"How do you think I could get into there without being seen?" He didn't divert his eyes from the nurse's station.

"What?" I turned towards him, "why would you want to do that?" I tried to follow his gaze to figure out exactly what it was he was looking at, becoming uneasy about the fact that a cabinet marked 'Contraceptives' kept winding up at the end of the trail.

"It's time to have a little fun," an eerie expression crept over his face, which only served to give me chill bumps when he directed it at me.

"Wha- But I am having fun see?" I ran over towards Rude, whose interest was turned towards Reno in a very nondescript way. "See how much fun we're having," I put on a cheery smile, and looked over to Rude, who only sat there with no particular expression of joy to be seen. Wherever this was going, I started to get the impression Rude wasn't going to be of much help.

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Looking forward to the next chapter? I'm sorry, but you'll have to wait. Rest assured, though, that this story is in my growing list of active writing projects, and that I am also currently brainstorming new fic ideas for your enjoyment. :)


	3. A Caper to End All Capers

Chapter 3 - A Caper to End All Capers

Music recommendation: Vitamin C - Smile, Kick the Can Crew - Chikyuu Blues ~337~

"Stop being so uptight," he scoffed looking very irritated, almost to the point of disgust.

"Uh-uptight!" There were no words coming to me to articulate my feelings on this matter as my widened eyes feverishly beamed at him, and then the cabinet, and back again, "F-fun!" I stammered some more, "I don't even know you that well! We've only just met!"

"What does that matter," he looked at me lamely, "it's not like it'll take all day. I'll be in and out like that," he snapped his fingers to imply the expedient nature of his plot, "no one will have to know." My jaw dropped to make way for the speechlessness that flowed freely from my mouth, and I looked over at Rude frantically, even though I had already determined he wasn't going to be any help.

"Well that's nice that you're so quick, but I'm not going to participate your little scandal," I said stomping a foot of protest on the floor.

"Fine, then I'll do it by myself," he said with a passive detest. My face twisted up with disgust that he would even tell me this.

"In the nurse's station? Right now?" I asked not wanting to know from the 'ew' factor, but being morbidly curious all at the same time.

"Should I wait till someone's in there," he sarcastically.

"Uuuhhh..." My face went stale as I tried to picture this, Reno scoffed at me once more.

"You wouldn't make a good lookout, anyway," he turned away to head for the door to the nurse's station.

"Lookout?" I puzzled, "wait, what do you mean lookout?" I ran after him, only having to jog a few feet before I caught up.

"You're so lame," he said barely taking notice of me, "you act like you've never stolen anything before."

"Oh!" I suddenly burst out as we reached the nurse's station door, "stealing!" He shushed me violently, "sorry," I said in one of those whispers people who are bad at whispering use, "I thought you meant," I stopped when I saw him looking at me strangely. "Never mind."

"Look, just stand here and make sure nobody goes in there," he pointed very precisely at the floor in front of the door.

"That's not so bad," I sighed with relief as he opened the door to the nurse's station. Wait? 'Not so bad'? Since when does my 'not so bad' include being an accessory to a crime? I didn't have time to try and think about how I had been glad to draw the short straw before a nurse started heading down the hallway towards me. I had to act fast, "excuse me, nurse."

"Yes?" She answered, slowing down as I ran towards her.

"I was wondering if, uh," darn it! I hadn't thought of anything to say when I got up to her, "I was wondering if you could tell me a little bit about your job?" I quickly threw my arm around her shoulder in a friendly manner for the purpose of turning her attention away from the nurse's station, "I want to know what sort of people I am trusting my men with here at this hospital. You see, it's uh, standard procedure. Especially under these circumstances. You never know what kind of people could be," when is that stupid Reno gonna be finished, because there is no way she's buying this, "in cooperation with the enemy," I whispered to her as if cluing her in on a secret.

"I can assure you, Lieutenant," she said turning away from my grasp, back towards her station, "your man is in capable hands here."

"Yeah, Leuite-"

"EEK!" I jumped at the voice which suddenly appeared in my ear. I jerked around to see Reno standing behind me with an unpresumptuous grin.

"Let her do her job. You're not going to solve any crimes this way," the nurse simply looked at the both of us as if something was wrong with us.. And she probably wasn't wrong.

"Of course Reno, just trying to make sure I cover all possible bases," I said through a stale grin. Reno began walking back towards the sitting area, I followed, not having anything else to do at some other location.

"That wasn't bad, Oren. There may be a future for you as a lookout when your career in the military fails." _When_? I see his impulsive thievery hasn't sated the jerk in him.

"Ahaha, no, but that's very cute," I said sarcastically, patting him on top of his head with a final slightly harder smack at the end, as one might do to a disobedient child. I was beginning to become accustomed to his rapid-fire insults. Back in the waiting room, Rude had taken to reading an old fashion magazine from the limited selection of available literature. Funny, I never took him for the type to research '10 tips for the perfect bikini body.' Reno took a seat looking out of the setting sun through the window wall. The crass side of me took over as I took a seat facing him, and grinned with all the smugness of an evil kitten, "so, what are you uh, gonna do with..." I quickly stopped as his glance snapped over to me with all of the smugness of an even larger cat who eats smug kittens. "Never mind."

All of the sudden, there was a commotion. The phone rang in the Nurse's station, and a moment later she was running out of the door, only to frantically direct another couple of nurses. My super-hero-quality espionage skills kicked in as I got up to run from Reno's piercing, creepy look to the nurse. "What's going on," I asked her finally catching up, "is it Ed?"

"No, we've just got another emergency coming in," she said running in what would be away were it not for the fact that I followed her, "I don't know all of the details, but it appears he has had something implanted in his chest. It could be dangerous."

"I'll have a look at this, it could be a trap, and I don't want any civilians or any of my men put in danger," I said following her through the twisting hallways towards a back elevator reserved to bring up emergency patients, a fact I divined by the giant red 'EMERGENCY' printed above the door. But as soon as the doors opened I was struck speechless to see the Shin-ra guards who had undoubtedly followed the patient and accompanying doctor up from the first floor, and Lasarus there on the stretcher, unconscious. My mouth hung open and I momentarily lost my composure, seeing a crudely sewn gash in the middle of his chest, and some sort of device clearly protruding from inside.

"Is it an explosive," the voice from beside me was like a bunch of gibberish as I stared helplessly at Lasarus being wheeled off of the elevator towards the operating room.

"Sir! We were unable to detect anything, but we can't know for sure until we can observe the device directly," one of the security officers from the elevator reported to Reno. I only turned to stare blankly at him after Lasarus was hauled away.

"I want everyone who doesn't have to be here off this floor, including the staff, and I want the bomb disposal unit up here on standby, now!" Reno ordered sternly to the officer, who promptly saluted and hurried away with the other SOLDIER to carry out his orders.

"Did you know him," Rude asked scanning me over. I hesitated, the image of Las confidently conveying his plans only hours before still flashing in my mind, before seeing him mutilated and barely clinging to life.

"That," I finally spoke up, "was our operative in charge of infiltrating the Himi faction," dismayed now, having no recourse for Ed, and now Lasarus. I was out of answers on how to handle this case while people are still getting hurt.

"So much for plan B," Reno said finally resting his back up against the wall, "amateurs."

"Reno," Rude said abruptly, looking back over at me somewhat nervously as if to say 'shut up you meanie pants.' Although maybe not in so many words.

"It's true," I said still void of any sort of expression, "I may not really know what I'm doing. In fact, probably the only reason a lowly lieutenant like me managed to secure the lead on an investigation like this is because all of the other more important things going on right now." I walked over to the elevator and rested my forehead against the cold metal doors, still picturing Las. "That makes all of this my fault, and I have no idea where to go from here. I'm no fit to be in charge of this investigation," I said with a dry chuckle at my own incompetence.

"That's a very sad story," Reno said sarcastically, no doubt making some sort of cool-guy gesture behind my back, "maybe it's time you start letting us do our job now?" I was quiet for a moment, still leaning against my forehead in shame, even more ashamed of what I was about to do next.

"Have you got any better ideas," I'm sure this came out sounding like a pouty child, but at this point the urgency of stopping Himi outweighed my pride in appealing to Reno's jerk-pride. Just then, the elevator door opened, and I found myself face first on someone's boot with a very painful thud.

"Of course I do," Reno responded in an unchanged tone as I rolled over cupping my nose to see the bomb disposal unit crowded into the elevator.

"Ma'am, are you okay," the one I has landed on asked helping me up off the floor.

"Like for starters, you shouldn't lean against the elevator door when the bomb disposal unit is on their way up," Reno added. I got off the floor in a huff, stomping to my feet and glaring at him with clenched teeth.

"We really have got to get you in the habit of sharing these brilliant ideas of yours," I made a lofty arm-waving gesture to indicate how brilliant, "_before_ people get hurt. Yeah, can we try to do this next time," I snarled at him under the tone of phony politeness. Rude laughed nervously scratching the back of his head. He probably noticed too, and just didn't say anything. Clearly these two would have my back on the remainder of this investigation.

"Shall we go," Rude finally said in a genuinely polite tone.

"Go? Where?" I puzzled at the both of them. They both headed to the elevator as the bomb unit rushed out, and I was suck chasing after them.

The stench and muddy terrain were a far cry from anything I was used to. I had never been off the upper plate, but here we are trouncing around in the slums. I didn't know what Reno was planning, but I wish he would have given me a little more warning. If nothing else, so I could have bought something from the vending machine to use as a nose plug. Not that long ago I was Lieutenant Oren, cool person in charge, now I'm a little a-scared and sticking just a little too close to Rude's sleeve. I sure am glad they're here to protect me... Oh wait, it's their fault I'm here in the first place! If it wasn't for them, I'd be back on the upper plate solving this case from the safety of my office like a real officer, not patrolling the slims getting my all over my formerly shiny boots.

"We're almost there," Rude spoke up, in what I felt was an attempt to get me off of his sleeve.

"What if we get attacked," I said sounding a little more meek what I wanted to as I looked cautiously around all the piles of scrap metal and garbage, easily spotting the many places things could be hiding to ambush us.

"What kind of a Shin-ra officer are you?" Reno scoffed, leading the way, "afraid to get your little officer's boots dirty?" That's not fair. I worked really hard to get these boots this shiny... Or at least I ordered one of my subordinates really hard to get my boots this shiny. Plus it's not that I was afraid, it's just yucky. "Or maybe you're afraid you'll catch a clue," he sneered back at me. I quickly let go of Rude's sleeve to cross my arms and give him a tough scowl, only to grab back on to Rude's sleeve as soon as he looked away again.

"You didn't seem to have a problem attacking us, Lieutenant," Rude chuckled to himself. "I'm sure you'll be fine if trouble comes our way." Oh Rude, just when I thought you were Nicey McPolite pants under those cool-guy shades, you now mock me. You cold-hearted thing, you.

"Yeah, just pretend they're on your side, you won't even need our help," Reno chimed in laughing brazenly. Just when I was going to remind him what's-for with a rematch that would have only proven his point, we approached a busting town much livelier and slightly less junk that the rest of the unpopulated slums we had just traversed. I looked around, seeing all of the shops and restaurants converging together to form a quaint little oasis.

"Hey, this place is actually kind of charming," I said still looking around, not noticing that Reno and rude had stopped walking. "Hey you guys," now I noticed they had stopped walking, and were looking at me all weird, "what?... What did I do?" They only looked at each other as if they were speaking telepathically to intentionally keep me out of the loop. Don't you jerks have an inner dialogue on me!

"Lieutenant, you're going to have to lose the uniform," Reno said crossing his arms at me. My jaw fell to the ground. Well not literally, because that's not really possible, but it still fell pretty far down there.

"What? Again with this?" I pointed at him accusingly, while he only looked at me like I had some foreign object protruding from my head.

"If we're going to get any intelligence on the Himi faction, we're not going to do it parading around in Shin-ra uniforms. I think you know what could happen," Rude added.

"B-but!" I pointed at Rude, looking at the both of them, then at myself, and then back at them, realizing I stood out more than anyone in the entire town. "Fine," I grunted, "if my men can put themselves in harm's way, then so can I," I said whipping my cape at them as I turned around. "But know this," I whipped my cape again for dramatic affect when I turned back to them, "I will NOT dress like a tramp!"

Sorry for the long over due delay, everyone. I'm sure you've heard all the excuses by now: lazy, busy, my back hurts, etc, etc. Well at least you can thank wanting to put off a particular school assignment for this update, and hope for more to come in the near future for the same reason.


End file.
